One night I dreamed I was walking along the path with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the snow.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there have only been one set of footprints in the snow. Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,
“The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the snow, is when I carried you.”

-Mary Stevenson–F.R.E.(Fox Revised Edition) because snow is so much cooler then sand!

I see schmucks wearing a ribbon in support of some suppusedably grand cause and have disgust rise up within me. Usually the only people to profit from the worn ribbon are the vast foreign ribbon making conglomerates, not those whom the ribbon purportedly represents.

These ribbon wearing chumps “feel” better because they can be seen to seem to care about this or that cause. All the while they’ve done little to nothing to actually support a cause, other then buy a ribbon from Mexico or China.

Actions speak louder then words. And doing something half assed just so you can be seen doing it, is still doing it half assed.

To stand on the corner in the poor section of town and loudly lament about how much you care about the poor does the poor no damn good. Cloth, feed, and most importantly teach them to cloth and feed themselves and then you’ve done something.

Wearing a pink ribbon, glove, arm band, or cleat shoe, does no good to those with breast cancer, educating yourself and spreading that knowledge does.

Purple ribbons to support anti-bullying? It’s worth about as much as mouse droppings for coffee flavoring. Teach the bullied self confidence, self defense(verbal and physical) and how to stand up to wrongs, and then you’ve actually done something.

In summery, get off you ass and actually do something, leave the ribbon wearing to the pansies who wear ribbons.

A response to my sister after an “anonymouse informant” called Social Services and told them she had reservations concerning thier “great” advise in her life.

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Social services are a bunch of dumb fscking morons that have harrassed, lied, and interfereared with our family from the time I was 8.

Why would they suddenly stop any of that now?

I’m sure you heard what they said right, and they changed it after you pointed out it’s flaws, or they were mearly incompetent in it’s explination in the first place.

It’s what they’ve done for more then 20 years. It’s unfortunate that you are in a position that requires you to have to intereact with them.

They look for any reason to kick a dog in the ribs, it makes them feel powerful and haughty. Better then others cause they can direct the teat full of mother governments milk in any direction they want, and if you do not bow before that power they will take that teat away.

They are, most of them anyway, scum sucking leaches. And the few that are not, still work for those who do.

Back in TX. Not nearly as nice as being in CO, but it’s a damn sight better then LA.

Top 10 things I am looking forward to while in TX, listed in order of importance with percentage of actual chance of getting;

1.)Biscuits and Gravy–95% if I let Megan know.

2.)Audio books 2,3,&4 of Robert Jordans Wheel of Time serise.–95% if Alan has them ripped.

3.)Single Malt Scotch, 16yr, Double Cask!!!–35% Smith County stops selling “hard” liquor at 21:00, I know lame!

4.)Hang out with cool people.–50%

5.)See IronMan2.–25%

6.)Do Laundry, I’m almost out, about to have to start walking around naked.–45%

7.)Take time to check 1-3week old PowerBall/Megamillions tickets and see winning numbers..–0.0000257952168%

8.)Toss a kid in the air and “forget” to catch him till my arms hurt, or I actually miss catching him.–45%

9.)Sleep on the most comfortable couch in the known universe.–50%

10.)Cuddle with Judah the Cat whilst eating What-A-Burger watching a really too late at night movie.

BONUS!!!

11.)Find a wife.–0.0000000000000000001% Yes I got a better chance of seeing winning lottery numbers.

LoL

For anyone who didn’t get the e-mails here they are.

First from Recovering Alumni at http://teenmaniahonoracademy.blogspot.com

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Hi Fellow Alumni,

Over the past several years, there have been many Honor Academy alumni that look back at the internship and wonder, “What was that all about?” For the most part, we enjoyed our time at the HA but when we re-entered the real world our expectations collided with reality. Confusion, depression, pain and isolation are just a few of the things we’ve experienced as we try to make sense of our experiences. After talking with many alumni and processing through my own experiences, I’ve come to realize that many of us are in the same boat. The legalistic and performance based atmosphere wounded us spiritually and emotionally. Some of us are constantly trying to get back to the spiritual high of our intern year but instead can’t shake the nagging feeling that we will never measure up. Instead of joy, we are burdened by our Christian walk. And we keep wondering what we are doing wrong.

I have good news for you. You are not alone. It is not your fault. You were taught some very bad things about who God is and how He feels about you.

Instead of continuing this journey alone, we are now on the journey to healing and wholeness together. If you were wounded at the Honor Academy, there is a safe place for you to talk about your negative experiences without being labeled bitter, backslidden or weak.

Visit the blog to read stories from your fellow alumni as well as critiques of HA teachings and culture that point the way to grace, freedom and love.

I hope you’ll take the time to see what we are doing and, if you need it, find a safe place to begin the healing process.

Peace,

Recovering Alumni
www.teenmaniahonoracademy.blogspot.com


PS – The Board of Directors is now looking into the specific allegations I’ve made regarding the spiritual, emotional and physical abuse that occurs at the Honor Academy. They are asking interns to share their story so they can best decide how to proceed. For all the details, including how you can participate click here.

PSS – If you disagree with the premise of this blog, please read the comment policy before responding.



I don’t plan to email you again, but if you want to make sure you aren’t contacted, simply reply with “unsubscribe.
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Second is the reply from Ron Luce at www.teenmania.com

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Dear Honor Academy Alumni,

I wanted to write a note to you in reference to an email that many of you received recently. Unbeknown to us, an alumni from many years ago, managed somehow to get the list of all of your email addresses and emailed you without our permission. We’re very sorry for the inconvenience.

We’re not sure how he/she got the list, but we feel that this was definitely a breech of privacy and for that, we are very sorry.

As to the content of his/her letter, we just want each of you to know that we have tried repeatedly to dialog with him/her to help him/her work through the struggles and challenges that he/she’s facing. We all know that the internship year is a very intense challenge. Some people respond differently than others. The program is designed for Honor Academy participants to grow spiritually and emotionally. We know, however, that there are some who have experienced the Honor Academy challenges personally in ways that they have not been able to fully understand or overcome.

We have repeatedly tried to reach out to this person, but he/she does not seem to really want to dialog in a personal manner to resolve conflict as outlined in Matt 18, or to make the Honor Academy better. He/she did, as he/she mentioned, send a letter to our Board of Directors, who are reviewing the matter as they review many matters proceeding in this ministry on an ongoing basis.

Please note that many of the challenges from this person’s blog and letter are challenges that we’ve long since improved upon since he/she was an intern, as Dave Hasz and staff constantly are receiving feedback from interns and alumni; so that each year is progressively better and more improved. From the Life Transforming Events, to the ministry opportunities, to the deep impact upon each intern’s life as they move forward in advancing the Kingdom.

Please join me in praying for the individual who is still recovering from his/her time at the Honor Academy and those that he/she has gathered around her that God would really perform a healing in their hearts and lives. If any of you still have concerns or questions about your time in the internship please always feel free to contact us to resolve the concerns and reach a place of wholeness. You can reach David Hasz at david.hasz@teenmania.org, and he is ready and willing to listen to your concerns and take action on them.

Please know that I honor you and the sacrifice you made while being an intern; laying down your life, and pouring out your heart to reach a generation. We at Teen Mania are continuing to build on that foundation so that we can reach more people then ever – both young people here and people all around the world with the life-changing power of Jesus Christ.

Soon you will see a response from our Board to the concerns raised by this recovering alumni posted on our website, and we’ll be happy to notify you when that’s complete.

Consumed by the Call,
Ron Luce
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So that’s what all the hoop-la is about.

My personal concerns about RA(Thats the tag that Recovering Alumni goes by) are three.

My first is that there are a lot of wine-ers and complainers at her site who are looking for someone to blame for thier own poor choices, and they choose to do so anonymously.

Second, I personally belive that if something is worth complaining about, it’s worth signing your name too. By not being that face, that person behind the complaint, you are only adding to the handful of legitamate complaints out there. This thought also applies to RA’s tendencies to delete comments. As you are all well aware, I consider deleting comments to be censorship, and censorship is only one more way of attempting to forcebly mold others to your way of thinking. In more descriptive lauguage, stop being like the fench cowering in fear and grow a pair.

Third, RA’s site is great! I fully belive, with a few minor tweeks and adjustments, some open windows, some fresh air, that every incoming intern should thouroughly read and research the stories on that site. It will serve two pourposes, one of which is to warn the incoming and hopefully keep them from being that “super intern” who gets off on “lording” his own percieved wisdom and knowledge over others. Or teach the incoming that the above described person is wrong in thier thinking and that if seen correcting actions needs to be taken.

As far as Ron’s response. I think it is what is expected of the ministry, an attemp to add some calm to the storm while the ministry sorts out what to do. Which hopefully includes fixing the “super intern” issues and finding a way to descourage that attitude in the future.

I have always fought that fight on a personal level. I stood up when I saw wrongs committed, and there were many. I have the pink slip to prove it. But my complaints were always heard, and listened to. I took them directly to whom they belonged and did not leave till my point was made.

More descriptive launguage, I was forced by my life circumstanses to “grow a pair” at nine years old. See my previous post about my grandma. I’ve since always strived to be brave, honorble, and integris. May you do the same.

Free truck parking across from the strip. Really! Sweet! Slots E-1 thru E-36, 48hrs.

In-N-Out, crosswalks that scan your finger prints. Hobo housing under trees by fence, by walk way. Also under overpass. Fond memories of past life. 1/2 mile walk to Excaliber.

Excaliber, the casino not the sword. Show tickets counter computers not working, phone number for KA “no longer in service”. $30 buffet! WTF!

Skywalk to MGM Grand via Excaliber and New York-New York. The great copper green lady. A giant male Lion. A boat.

MGM Grand. Tickets and theater all the way in the back. Smoking allowed everywhere, YES! FREEDOM! USA! Lions? Really? Neat! I like kitties. $69 for show + $7.50 for Cirque De Sioledunderoos fee + 10% tax(3% city/7% state) = $84.15.

Diego. Mexican Restaurant. Cute Hostess, $5 tip to seat me near outlet. Coffee! Jesus! What’s this crap? White sugar, brown sugar, shivers of chocolate? Why defile the necture of Jesus with such crap? Shivers? Slivers! Chips and Salsa you ask? Hell yes! Is this a Mexican, or Mexican’t have chips and salsa restaurant? 3 flavors of salt? Neat! Yum. Yes fill my coffee, then leave me alone. Food? Ummm? Sampler. That’s it? Kinda small. More coffee? Heck yes. Gracias. Dessert? Ummm? Cinimmon ice cream? Really? Sweet! No really it’s sweet! And cinimmony! $35? should have had the $30 buffet.

Girls. Vegas. Fat. Skinny. A coat? Really? Nearly naked? Really? Shoes are dumb. Especially heels. And really especially stripper heels. Show in 45min!

KA. Waiting in line. Mexican acting as an oriental acting as an ancient egyptian. While smoking pot. She dares ask if we have questions? Pick me? Single me out? Look non-chalant, act casual. Keep twirling keys. Oh you want me to ask you a question about the show? Really? Try this out smart mouth lady. Insert Texas drawl at double Texas speed. “Well I only got one question. What questions is it that we should really be asking?”. Stumpt her! Shut her trap! She’s confused! Oh look at the pretty lights! Dang she got away with it.

Doors open. Mister if you jump down at me I will beat you. Smart man. Anouther mexican, acting like an oriental, acting like an ancient egyption, acting like Johnny Depp. And he’s a male this time. Not a pot smoker. Seated. Top row. Center Isle seat. Short old lady in front of me, with big hair. Hummm, potty. Giant freaking harps! Sweet.

Show time. No camera. Small explosions. I’ve done those. Room dark. Stage rises from depths, whilst spinning and tilting slowly?!?! No freaking way! WAY!!! Wow! Neat! Fall! Pain! Spongebob Square pants? Tarzan?Misses Pots? Kitty? Shadow Puppets!!!

Show over. No oriental guy acting acting like an ancient eqyptian pirate, I will go behind you and stand by the wall and I will not exit nicely with the crowd. Oh, nice job skipping the mexican part. Chatting it up with Johnny Depp pirate, ancient egyption, oriental, mexican guy.

Walk around MGM Grand. El baño. Female in male restroom. I can’t zip my pants! Oh its cause I got buttons. Do you need help with that belt buckle? Ackwards silence. Escalator stops halfway up. I take charge cause no one is moving by sighing loudly and saying “I guess we have to walk.” People laugh, start walking.

Head to New York-New York for alcohal. Bums with guitars. Bad playing. Bad singing. Cute puppy. Puppy kisses! $2 tip. Thanks for earning it. 3/4ers naked dancing primates, of the female varity. Pub!!! Oh why is the brunette taking a break? I’m not watching the blonde. Sparkly boobs! Crying girl. Pub full, musicians taking break. Must find less crowd. Table by myself. Irish peeps sit down by me. Couples being cute. Yes I’ll take your pic. Pic it 3, 2, dramatic extended pause, real smiles, SNAP! Perfect. You are welcom. Someones calling my name? It’s the pub! No Scotch! Bastards. Bushmills 16yr single malt. Guinness.

Time to go home, to the truck. Walk back to Excaliber. Raining in tge desert? Really? Yes! God loves me. Thanks Jesus. Take more pics of strangers for strangers. A comfy chair. Break time. Belly button! No penut butter?!?! Wrong exit. Bums are in bed. Hole in wall behind truck. Neat! Explore. Not my fault. Pee. Naked. Horizontal. Text the great Matthew Grassia. Bed time. First story time! Post to FB. Post to Xanga. Now bed time.

So I am trucking along I-35 on the south side of OKC, which not surprisingly is in OK. As a side note; much to the people of OKC’s dismay while it’s the most popular city in OK, it is not the Capitol of OK. Although you can sometimes hear them whisper that it should be.

Anyway I’m running at about 68mph in the middle if the night when a 4 door car comes up on my left in a slow passing fashion. Finally when the vehicle gets beside my drivers door the windows come down and a 3 foot child is tossed all the way out the window, this needless to say startles me a bit, especially when someone is holding this childs hand while the child flops about in the wind like a . . . blow up doll???

Yup it’s not a child it’s a blow up doll. Well that’s is at least a relief. I then notice that along with the hand holding the doll there are an additional 5 hands, connected to the arms of at least 3 females whose young teen faces are lit up by the peach-ish streetlamps. All the girls appear to be giddy, giggly, and happy with thier hair blowing in the wind.

But lets go back to the hands, they are making that distinct motion every trucker knows, no they were not flipping me off, they were pumping up and down, which only means;

“Please honk your horn! Pleeeeaaaaassssse!!!”

I being a sucker for cute happy girls, and also a fan of my truck horn easyly cave into the temptation and let them have it. In response they reply with making the “devil horn”, or if you’re a fan of TX A&M the “long horn” rock fist.

I gave them a couple more blasts of air horn, wave a devil horn rock fist at them and they laugh, roll up thier windows, and fall back behind me to never be seen again.

For further clarification tossing a child out the window of a speeding car is not advised. It this case it turned out ok cause it was only a doll. Please do not use real children. It’s got to be bad for everyone’s health that is involved.

So all I have to say to my mortal enemy right now is; “You stupid ____ing idiot! what the ____ was going thru your ____ing head! How could you be so ____ing stupid you ___ __ _____!”

Of course my mortal enemy is myself, and what did I do to deserve such a profanity laced tungue lashing? After visiting Ma, Pa, Sis, and kids I made a special trip to my truck for my coffee cup to fill it with fresh Double D coffee. Thats Dunkin Donuts, not truck stop waitresses with exceptionally, and in my opionion disgustinly large mammary glands. And no this is not the time nor place to get into that conversation on why my opionion on is what it is, so forget I brought it up.

And in the process throught to myself;

“I should grab my book bag that contains my entire life and carry it out so I don’t forget it. Nahh, I just grab it when I fill my coffee.”

I then proceeded to forget the book bag that contains my entire life. Which primarily consists of a few books, one of which is a bible I haven’t opened in years, my laptop, which gets opened on average twice a week, some memory cards and extra batteries and charger for my camera, and most importantly the 1/2 watched first season of StarTrek Enterprise that I picked up for the super low price of $20!

I want to shove a crow bar thru my eye socket and finish scrambling what pathetic bits of my brain that still exist.

OK, so I exagerate just a little, but that does not negate what a moron I am right now.

I ment to post this back on the night of the 27th when I was hit with it but forgot. So here it is now, late yet no less meaningful.

As a side note my Grandma’s favorite instraments were a piano and violin. I don’t have any pics of her handy so it will do for now.
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Today, 1986, my bestest friend ever died. Her name was Grandma. She lived alone till I came to stay with her. She taught me the basics of cooking, of gardening, of faith in Jesus, of life. She had a hard time doing those on her own anymore so I had the honor of helping her.

At night I slept on the floor near her chair, where she slept upright because of emphasima, just in case she needed me. The morning after Christmas, she did. I did my duty, my job. The next morning, today, 23 years ago Jesus called her home.

I’ve never been closer to anouther in my life. I eagerly await the calling so I can see her again. To hug her close. To feel her love. To be comforted by her arms.

Though she didn’t know it at the time, she saved my life. It was her who pointed my soul down the path to redemption. And while it was a few years and many scars later till I found that redemption, I did so only because her lovingkindness had guided me, and fed my faith along the way.

Sure there were other players, but it was hers that was always faithful, always true, always there.

I’m trying to express in typed word what my torn heart, my sorroful soul, my tear stained pillow feels, and I am failing. So without further effort I’m going to get up, blow my nose, and try to sleep.

Sometimes I do not forsee the unforseen consquenses of my attention to detail, my fertile imaginatin, my humourous thought patterns and my ability to write and/or speak.

Combine that with my general disregard of what people think of me and my expecting others to have the same disregard, sometimes ends up with others being offended by my actions and/or words when I never intended to offend.

It leaves me feeling bad for them feeling bad. But most of the time I have little to no guilt nor remorse.

What an odd little world I live in.