May 13, 2003

• Well I know its been awhile sense I last posted. . .ok that's an understatement, but anyway I think I remember how to do it.  So here goes.

  
  

  A lot of cool things have happened lately, to list a few they would include getting fired for breaking my companies harassment policy.  Our youth group growing quite well, a great time at the ATF in Denver, and last but not least my questions for God.

  
  

  On all of them you can guess, fumble and even gossip about, but on the last one is where I ask for you input.

  
  

  I have tried to be steady in a calling that God put in my heart.  That is my heart for reaching China, Tibet more specifically.  I had this big plan all worked up, which obviously included money.  And it seems everytime that I get just about all of it built up, or at least a good portion of it built up, I have to go spend it.  I'm not talking about little things like buying a new bike, or a home gym, or a computer or stuff like that, but big ticket stuff like paying for my family's stay while my mom was in the hospital with a heart attack, and helping my sister pay off a car that she blew the engine so she could get a new one and still have wheels to get to work and school and such.  Most of it family and crap.  And all of it I would turn right around and do again.  Heck if you ain't got family what have you got?  Not that by not spending my money I wouldn't have family but I consider them important, and usually they are more important then myself.  I have given up a number of dreams, because of them, and again I would do it all over just the same.

  
  

  But why would God throw this at me when I am trying to get over to his children and teach his love?  I wonder about things like did I ever even hear his voice, and if I did why are things changing?  I pray all the time for him to not let me let my faith or life fall prey to evil, but at the same time question if I have heard his voice.

  
  

  Heck its 02:30 in the morning and my coffee is getting ready to run out, I'll let you ponder this, I leave for two days of supposed fun, while I am happy on the outside my inside swirl in a cloud of sand and gritty dust, I feel my heart drying out like my tounge already is from the desert heat of doubt, my brain boils with indecision, and my stomach is heavy from swallowing stones of of despair.  Lord I know you are out there, I know you love me, I know all the answers lie in you and your love, but I still can not reach the end of this desert to find you, I am lost and alone.  I can not find you so I beg you to find me . . .

  
  

  BlackWolf

  • 4:47 am
  • 3 Comments