So I have not done a lot of chatting with that guy I know. I have tried but these last few days have been full of busy-ness and time has not been readily available. Yesterday I drove a thousand miles, this morning a lady backed her semi into mine, it took me two hours with her and the police, then another six to check out every truck place in Kingman, AZ just to find that none of them had the parts I needed to get moving. I finally had to "Jerry Rig" together some stuff, namely splice in a new connection and bolt a new turn signal to the front drivers quarter panel of my truck. I basically have to hold everything together with whatever I can till I get back to Texas, where they will replace my entire hood. Meanwhile I am driving thru California with a hole in the front of my truck, and will probably get stopped at every weigh station and get a though inspection each and every time. All of the repairs are leagle, they just looks bad. Ahh crap, no space left to talk about that greatgirl.

So before I get to the new girl, last night I was texting while tired, and was simply trying to say that it was not the last girl that caused the demons, nor is she a demon, she is a very sweet kind girl, whom I still love as a friend. But, and keep in mind this was all Gods timing, my heart was broke at just the right time in life to make me much more in tune with the spiritual battle that rages on all around us each day. I was going thru trials, finding the chinks in my armor. My many weaknesses were revealed, and I was able then to see them. I am sure you all know that when that happens it hurts. It also builds strength. So I now am at a point, do I move on, do I attemp to go back out into that tough dark cold world and get hurt again, or do I sit around in the hospital ward and practice yard for a while longer. It is a scary question and I don't know if I got the strength to do it again. But I know this guy, and His father is the greatest warrior of all time, I should go see Him.

But before I get to this great girl that I am thinking about, something creeped into my thoughts tonight on my way home from Tyler. I think about there girls I have listed, who they were, who they are today, and who they will be tomorrow. As I started each post, I started with, "I know this great girl . . ." and that should be very telling. They are each great girls, and I have been blessed to know each one, especially the latest ones. I would to this day do anything to help each one. I think about how tough the last one was, and I have a choice, I can trust God that He is ultimatly in control, or I can't. It really is that simple. A lot harder in practice I guess. I have healed quite a bit, but sometimes I get a little sappy. I suppose its normal to ask the "What if?" questions from time to time. I guess what I am saying is that I am not bitter, I have enjoyed the learning I got from the process, even if the process itself was tough. I look forward to seeing where life takes me.

. . . I have not yet fully recovered from my wounds. Its funny that even though that last post was about a girl I liked it seems that whole relationship was about me and my growth. Maybe thats what that attempt at pursueal was about, me learning from God about who I really am. I did not come out of that attack unscathed. I have found that in certain areas of my life I don't trust the Lord. I don't have faith that He will follow thru, that He will always protect me. I do understand that sometimes the best learning comes thru mistakes, I have learned from plenty of my own, and a few of other peoples. I don't have any idea of where my wife is, or what she is doing. I have been told by a few that I will make a great husband but if that is so, why am I still single? Don't get me wrong and think that I am feeling sorry for myself, I am just thinking things out, trying to learn. How about tomorrow I tell you about the current girl that I can't decide weather or not if I really want to pursue.

. . . I tried to follow my heart. Keep in mind that scripture says the heart is deceitful above all things. I am truly not sure what all happened, I know that some very specific instructions I gave to God a number of years back came true. I was/am sure that I was following what He was saying. But it took me down a very different path then I thought it would. A path full of knife wielding demons who tried to cut away at my heart, emotions, character, judgment, will, strength, and on and on. They dug thier ugly daggers into every part of me, they attacked from every angle, all in an attempt to destroy my hope, the very root of my faith, the only thing I have clung to since that fateful day I broke, the day I asked the Lord into my heart. Hope that tomorrow will be better then today. They attacked thru my family, my friends, my mentors, my co-workers, even as far as thru death, and life. Lots of very hard crap has happened these past two years. I know this great girl but . . .

. . . I tried to follow my heart. Keep in mind that scripture says the heart is deceitful above all things. I am truly not sure what all happened, I know that some very specific instructions I gave to God a number of years back came true. I was/am sure that I was following what He was saying. But it took me down a very different path then I thought it would. A path full of knife wielding demons who tried to cut away at my heart, emotions, character, judgment, will, strength, and on and on. They dug thier ugly daggers into every part of me, they attacked from every angle, all in an attempt to destroy my hope, the very root of my faith, the only thing I have clung to since that fateful day I broke, the day I asked the Lord into my heart. Hope that tomorrow will be better then today. They attacked thru my family, my friends, my mentors, my co-workers, even as far as thru death, and life. Lots of very hard crap has happened these past two years. I know this great girl but . . .

. . . she had bad knees. I know what you are thinking, that I am pretty pathetic, well you are probably right. This was the first girl I ever really gave any prayer or good Godly thought about pursuing. I took my time to get to know her, see her in rough times as well as good times. She had good Italian heritage, with the exception of her nose, she was blessed with a normal sized nose, not one of those huge honkers. Praise to the almighty. Anyway back to her knees, they were not the best, and from what I was able to determine she would not be able to hike all over China with me, and that is a big dream I have had for a long time. If she could not do that then it seemed as if that would not be someone it was logical to chase. So I prayed one night, and it seemed well with me and the Holy Spirit to let her find someone else, so I simply continued the friendship till we naturally parted ways. Humm I wonder about that China dream, is it still there? I know this great girl but . . .

. . . she was from Cuba. What you say? I was into my second year at TM and this great girl happened to be around. One of our favorite songs as undergrads was "Margaritaville" by Jimmy Buffet. I have never been one for rules, she was much better at that then me. Anyway Miss Cuba was probably the first girl that I was truly friends with, sure I knew other girls, had even really liked them, but never did I put forth the effort, nor had had the effort put into a real friendship. I remember a waitress seeing our matching Honor Rings(I would love to go into a rant about how gay the new rings look, or how you are no longer treated with trust and have to earn your ring now, but I won't.) and ask if we were married. I thought about it from time to time, and decided that it was not worth risking the friendship just to pursue her, so I did not. I wonder if that was cowardice, or fate? Now she has a great husband who I admire and thank for taking good care of her. I know this great girl but . . .

. . . I was an intern. And Jackie was a very beautiful hispanic girl, inside and out. I knew her most of my life, and really got to know her in the two years I worked at the local health center in Colorado. When I left for TM she was having trouble with her boyfriend, the father of her two children. When I came home for Christmas break I went and visited. Her problems had only gotten worse. I didn't know what to do about it other then comfort her. A few days before leaving she told me that she should have married me cause I would have been much better for her then him. I thought about it, I could have stayed at home, taken care of her, had an instant family, and would have enjoyed a very good life. Everything that I had wanted by twenty-one could be mine, why did I not jump in? Cause I knew that there was so much more destined for me then small town life. There was a larger world prepared by God for me, and I was not called to this particular woman. I know this great girl but . . .

. . . she was in a car wreck. She was a red head I met at a christian camp. Having learnt from my past effort to look first at the inside of a girl before looking at the outside, I quickly found out that she was a fun loving, curious, and adventurous girl. I knew she had the potential to be the one for me. Because of distance we often conversed over the phone. I didn't mind, it helped to keep me focused. We talked for about a year, till she was in the wreck. She had emergency surgery, a big scar from below her belly button to her breast bone. It was like they messed up putting her insides back. The most beautiful girl, she focused on her marred beauty, and she changed. She dated this guy and that, trying to find someone to tell her that she was still beautiful. She stopped taking my calls, I reminded her to much of who she used to be. Of innocence lost to the seriousness of life. Funny, she always insisted her hair was the same color as her name, Amber. I know this great girl but . . .