Folks . . . hows it been?

Well as you can tell by my last few posts I have been a little deep as of late.

It has been a fun and interesting past few months.  I have grown closer to the Lord then ever before.  I have had the opportunity to grow in ways I never would have if I hadn't started opening up and being vulnerable.

Life has had its difficult times, and pain has been abundant.

Choices have been hard and I have made a few bad ones along the way.

I suppose if I were to nail it down to one thing in particular that I have learned it is that in the long run I trust the Lord.  But in the short term, I still have my doubts and fears.  I am of cource working on this, and Jesus is giving me plenty to worry about and give up to him.

I hope to soon be able to get some pics up.

It will be nice to show you all where I have been the past few months and what I have been doing.

But that will have to wait till later.

BlackWolf

So for the past few days, umm six to be exact, my Honor Ring has literally caused me pain.  It literally seems to burn while it is on my finger.  Commitments are not supposed to be easy, but I never thought they would be this hard.  Just anouther challange to overcome.

I heard from one of my friends back in the first week of February, and at that time things were kinda rough.  I have been praying but doing so blindly is so hard.  I don't know whats going on in thier life and I think that that really bothers me. 

I just found out about another friend whose Mom died, but I have no idea how or how long ago? 

What is one to do when you just can't keep up, no matter what the reason?

Blindly praying?  I think it does have its merits, and its better then nothing so I will keep it up.

Some of my closest friends are now teaching me how to be a better friend.  I never knew I was bad at it.  But apparently I am.  I think that I am getting better.  I just don't understand how all this works.  But that is my life.  I was raised the man of the house and never had time to develop friendships that were real.  There fore I am just fumbling around in the dark hoping to do my best.

Any idea's let me know.

The past week I have gotten some of the best sleep that I have in weeks.  I had to do something very tough.  Telling someone that they need to just quit beating around the bush and be blunt and honest is not easy.  But I think that it really did something good for them.  Me as well.  Finally being completely real with each other is a big step.  Maybe just maybe there will be something left over worth salvaging into a friendship.  And just maybe some of my new gray hairs will go away.  I am at peace with where things are now.

Here is the great thing, I think that things could have been much different, the friendship much tighter and less of a "thorn in my side" if we both had just started out not being timid.  But because we did not deal with things in a timely nor right manner I have been hurt, and that pain has made my heart vulnerable, and the Lord has done some amazing things because of it.  I have grown and learned so much, and wouldn't trade that for anything.

I feel that the Lord works in mysterious ways, and that the path he leads us down is not as straight and narrow as we are lead to believe.  It take major turns, and curves every which way, with steep narrow mountainous passes where a wrong step could lead to certain death.  But if we listen and if we follow, that path seems so very straight.  So perfect.

I believe I have followed the Lords guiding, and even though things did not end the way I would have chosen, they have ended the way He choose.  And how much better can you get then that?  Not much.

Pray for my family, they are having tough times right now, three of my friends have grandparents that are not in perfect health, and of course the two friends mentioned above.

Lord give me strength and help me be the Man you created me to be.  To live up to that destiny that you have created.

BlackWolf

 

OK so I have to appologize, I really do.  I have often complained of the lack of driving skills of Texas drivers.

Well I am in Florida, and they are much worse then the Texans.  The Texans were at the very bottom of my list, and now the Floridians have set a new standard.  These people don't know which lane is the slow lane, and they generally drive ten under.

It really sucks.

Miami was great, I look forward to Greensboro, should be lots of friends there.

Jesus loves me so much, he is showing me so much right now.

I like life, and given the option of using my full hundred and twenty years, I would choose yes.

Of course the depends on the circumstances a little, like if I had to jump in front of a train to save a jelly fish or something, I might change my mind and just take the fast track to heaven, but barring any drastic circumstances like that, I think I will stick around.

Watched "BackDraft" today. I had forgot that it was not Bull who set the fires, it was Axe.  Almost like I had never watched it before at that one point.  I like having friends that even though they could do the worst thing possible to me, I would still turn around and risk my life to save them.  That is awesome.

BlackWolf

PS    Promissing pics soon, that could mean a couple weeks away, but still.

Oh yea and a qoute from Dave Young from last week that you all should enjoy. . .

"I need to go to the hotel, or else in five minutes my head will turn to a pumpkin."

So lets start with the bitterness and get it out of the way.

Personally when . . . if . . . yea if it probably more like it, I ever get married I want people to say more then "Oh the wedding, yea it was good."  or "The wedding, it was beautiful, wish you were there."  Cause when I asked people about Joey's wedding that was all I got.

If you go somewhere (such as to a wedding that has four hundred other people that you know and love there) at least pick one good story about it to share with someone who wishes like a three legged dog chassing a car, that he could be there.

Come on folks, I really am dissapointed.

Next here is a quote that made me buy a book.

Tell me I'm clever,

Tell me I'm kind,

Tell me I'm talented,

Tell me I'm cute,

Tell me I'm sensitive, graceful and wise,

Tell me I'm perfect__

But tell me the truth.

Shel Silverstein

So the reason I bought this book is because of that quote, I think it expresses the human heart to a great degree.  Or at least my heart (here once again I deniegh being human).  We love for people to tell us how great we are, to point out our talents, skills, and what we do.  But in all of that we, or at least I, still want to be told the truth.

I, personaly, can handle the truth, others seem to think that living in a box that protects their heart is the best way.

Anyway I could say that life sucks right now and that I am having a tough time, but I would rather phrase it in a more positive way.

There is a bunch of junk and pain right now, but I love every minute of it, I am growing closer to the Lord and I see a bright if somewhat unclear future ahead of me.

I remember that one time back in Jr. High, on my knees with the a razor blade . . . I knew that there was someone who loved me, and I wanted to make sure I knew I was going to be with Him for the rest of eternity . . . I knew what I had to do to ensure that . . . I prayed . . . I cryed . . . there was no magic moment of a the clouds suddenly parting, or of birds singing, or of an angel desending from heaven above . . . just a hope . . . just knowing that the hope was true . . . knowing that my hope was born of faith . . . at that point I knew that life was bad . . . that there were high chances it would get worse . . . but I knew that given time . . . given pain . . . things would get better . . . and they did . . . as they will now . . . oh the horror of living without that hope . . . I couldn't do it . . . in fact I would be dead right now if it wern't for that very thing . . . in case you didn't already realize it Jesus Loves Me!!!!! . . . and while we are about it . . . He Loves You To!!!!!

That was one of my worst days ever, and it turned out to be something pretty gosh darn good.

What more does this day hold for me.  Paul did promise "From Glory to Glory", and he had if from a pretty good source.

BlackWolf

He don't cry, when he falls down
And he's been known, to hit the ground
There ain't too much, that could tear his world apart
A cowboy's born, with a broken heart

So if you're trying, to make him blue
You're better off, with someone new
'Cause he's been lonesome, right from the very start
A cowboy's born, with a broken heart

chorus
God gave him his common sense, he learned young to mend a fence
But he keeps all his feelings locked inside
He was taught to rope and brand, and always be an honest man
But if it ever comes down to his pride

Just let him go, it ain't worth the fight
He may be wrong, but he's still right
'Cause he's been lonesome, right from the very start
A cowboy's born, with a broken heart

solo
God gave him his common sense, he learned young to mend a fence
He keeps all his feelings locked inside
He was taught to rope and brand, and always be an honest man
But if it ever comes down to his pride

Just let him go, it ain't worth the fight
He may be wrong, but he's still right
'Cause he's been lonesome, right from the very start
A cowboy's born, with a broken heart
A cowboy's born, with a broken heart

*******************************

So I was born a cowboy, I was raised a cowboy and one of my most favorite things in the world is fixing fence.  It is right up there with ranch work in general, and driving, and coffee and Jesus.

I wish I had to put in two or three miles of fence tomorow.  In the hot glow of the sun.  It would be very relaxing, and I would probably grow closer to the Lord because of it.

Anyways the above song, it really explains my life.  Except my pride, I am actually very good at not having pride.  But being heartbroken, I think I was born with a broken heart.  It has hurt my whole life, and it ain't getting any better.

I have found out over the past few months that I am not a good friend.  That I am too conciderate.  That I take others feelings into account way to often.  That I am too selfless.

I also am starting to suspect that being honest hurts people, but I am not yet able to justify not being so.

I don't understand, I am lost, I am wondering around in a desert, nothing glorious, just a cowboy with a broken heart, wandering around looking for a fence to build.

Maybe the Lord can help, in fact that is the one thing that makes life worth living, Jesus.  I know that somewhere out there is a better life, and that in time it will come my way.

Don't get me wrong, life now is swell, I am enjoying the pain and learning and growth that is comming from it, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Here is a great quote from a great book, that a friend encouraged me to read. 

"For perhaps God would be reason enough to stay open to the romance if we knew he would keep us safe.  And therein we experience a great fear and confusion."

I am at a new point in my life where I am exposing my heart in new and risky ways.  And as with all risk, there comes the oportunity for pain.  And pain brings about growth.  And growth gets us closer to Christ.  Its a great road to travel . . .

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Kris Trine.

One of the truest Phatty's of all time.

Love you bro.

You might not know all these people, but thats ok, I wish I had thought of this sooner and gotten pics of some of your closer friends.  But I figured that any old ministry team photos would do.  There are a few surpises along the way.

Nicole

Krista and Matt

Matt

Jenna, Mrs Blankenship, Mrs Wilson

Erica

Robyn

Bobby

Jarred and Even

Nadine

Rex and Allie

Richie

Kaleb, Fredo

Clint the Great

Haver and Megan

Bob

Alan Cleaver

Laura

Abby

Leslie, Jerimia, Candice

Ashley Shields

Jeff Gallup

Tristan

Josh Marrano

Ethan, Amanda, Lana

Tonya

and I am sure all these people below feel the same way I am sure.

Jordan--PS its his Birthday as well.

BeRekah

Paul, Bry, Trisan, Christine, Clint, Di, Vieve, and of course being the humble man I am, I am the last one.

Love You Bro.

PS if you beat Kris here go visit his site and tell him happy b-day.  Just click on this line and ***poof*** you are there.

I had a great weekend in Richmond, especially with all the east coast wimps complaining about this big storm comming in.  I just waited for this big ole thing to hit like it was nothing, and thats exactly what it turned out to be, nothing.

You can not have an ice storm if it don't get below freezing.  OK Saterday night it did get below freezing, but not by much, and the next day it was 45 degrees outside.

Everyone was freaking out and running for cover, we dropped the ball on the show, and certain people ran for cover who had all the time in the world to get to there next destination.  I suppose thats how I see it, and others see it as being cautious.

Funny how different people look at things ain't it?

I did get to drive through wet roads on Sunday, and Sunday night it was thick fog all the way from NC to Atlanta. 714 miles in one day, not to shabby.  Richmond to the extream west side of Birmingham. 

Saterday on and off in rain all day and night long.  This got me less then 5miles into Texas. 

And then a few hours in the rain to Houston the next afternoon.

And I was the one who should have been worried about time.  LOL.

Yea . . .

Well the stallion was back in the training yard this weekend, I think he got a good work out, and didn't get himself into trouble. 

I hung out with some great people at the ATF.  Way to many to name, but it was very wonderful, there were well over 20 alumni that I knew, let alone those who I don't.  Good times were had by all.

Anyway, I just wanted to end this post with a quote from someone really cool, and unfortunatly not directed at me, but at someone else much cooler then I could ever dream of being, and that is mostly because of the rub off of coolness from the ultimate mountainous of cool that is possesd by his brother.

"And I'm proud that there was obsenity."

BlackWolf

PS you should be worried about my brain, no not because of the stress that it was recently under, that is all good and cool, but because at times it scared even me.

PSS just in case you were wondering the PSS should be PPS becasue the PS is short for Post Script, and you just wouldn't write out Post Script Script, you would right out Post Post Script.  And in case you don't know the meaning of Post it means After. And Scipt mean wright.  Like how I used all forms of the word right/write/wright hee hee hee. . .

PPPS Pray for my sister, the gov is trying to take over her life, and lawyers cost money, which we don't have.  Call or e-mail me for details if you want.

BlackWolf

So I held up to my word . . .

No contact is no contact till contact is made.  Contact was made . . .

Does that make sense . . . ? . . . no . . . ok cause I don't know that it was ment to.

So this stallion is back from the vet. a little older and hopefully a little wiser.

I really missed typing on here, it is kinda soothing in a wierd kinda way.  I don't know what is going on in my life right now, well that is not true I know what is going on, I just don't know the best way to react to it.

All I am trying to do is be myself, but that seems to not have helped it in the first place.

One thing I do know, God is in control, and if I keep that in mind, and trust in that, my faith will carry my through.

On  more firm and solid ground, we are back on the road, and life is going great.  Pre-production was so busy for me, trying to get everything set up and ready so that when I got back on the road it would run smoothly.  I don't know how successful I was, but every little bit will help.

Here are some great pics of the last few weeks.

Lets start with the truest of freinds.

Next are some pics of Pre-Production

Oh The Drama

All this blood, sweat, tears, over pre-production, can we spend to much time on our knees? 

And towards the end can we ever get to excited about saving the Lost and guiding those who are slightly lost.

Do you know that sometimes I forget my car is not a 4x4 . . .

And all I have to say, it is good to be back on the road again.  Jesus loves me and gives me beauty all day long.

And seeing great friends

And for the randomeness of it all, the Lord led me to a pink elephant, that was wearing blue camo . . .

Folks don't stop praying for my brain, there have been some great answers to some hard questions, but it seems that each time a question gets answered it only brings up a hundred more questions that suddenly need there own answers.

BlackWolf

 

If you've spent any time around horses, you know a stallion can be a major problem.  They're strong, very strong, and they've got a mind of their own.  Stallions typically don't like to be bridled, and they can get downright aggressive_especially if there are mares around.  A stallion is hard to tame.  If you want a safer, quieter animal, there's an easy solution: castrate him.  A gelding is much more compliant.  You can lead him around by the nose; he'll do what he's told without putting up a fuss.  There's only one problem: Geldings don't give life.  They can't come through for you the way a stallion can.  A stallion is dangerous all right, but if you want the life he offers, you have to have the danger too.  They go together.

from the book "Wild at Heart"

I was told by a wise man, that this book explains why men seem to be so stupid sometimes.  I do a lot of stupid things and I am trying to find out why, so I am reading it right now.  He also told me that if you ladies want to understand a man, you should read it.

All I can say is that this stallion got tangled up in the barb wire real bad, and will be out of the races for a while.  My appologies are unending, I feel I will be back, but I don't know when.

Sometimes commitments are hard to keep, but I will do all I am able to keep this one.  I don't know why I didn't think that Jesus was worth a little more effort, a little more fasting, a little more praying, a little more thinking, a little more planning.  Now I see it would have all been worth so much more focus on Him, and less on me trying to wing it.

Being a man of your word, your yes being yes, and your no being no, it makes life more tough, but I think it is worth it.

Shhhh. . . . .quiet. . . . .whats that whisper. . . . .I hear my Father. . . . .got to go. . . . .sorry

 

The soldier cautiously walks to the top of the hill . . . he peers down into the valley below . . . more soldiers then he can count . . . he has no option . . . still a few minutes left . . . the General ordered him into battle . . . from this hill top . . . by him self . . . he thinks, “The General must be crazy, this plan makes no sense I am to run down the hill screaming, shouting, and shooting like a mad man, I will be shot before I even get half way.” . . . but he knows the General . . . the General wouldn’t send him out if He didn’t have a plan . . . two minutes till run time . . . “I have no chance" . . . "I will die” . . . “Why am I doing this” . . . “Once I start there is no turning back.” . . . “I don’t want the pain" . . . "I don’t want the death.” . . . one minute till run time . . . but the General ordered him . . . the General knows that he will do it . . . even if the soldier doesn’t understand . . . he trusts the General . .  run time . . .

 

The last line of my previous post means a hundred times more now then it did when I posted it last.

 

More of Jesus, less of me, pray for my brain.

 

BlackWolf